So. Yeah. Didn’t see that coming at all. No sirree, Bob. Did. Not. See. That. Coming. At. All.

Truth be told, I had just turned the telly on to the same channel it was on yesterday, and that was actually FSSO, and then I got distracted by the new delivery of fancy, schmancy local, organic veggies to my door, because friggin’ fresh collard greens dammit! And by the time I realized I was “watching” the Hawks pre-game instead of a baseball game it was already 10 minutes past first pitch. So off I go to find FSN instead, and it’s already 3-0 and there’s only one out and I think “huh, offensive explosion tonight” while Chris Johnson is settling in for his first AB of the year…
At that point, it just got silly. Johnson rips the first pitch he sees to the wall (would have been out of most parks) and I post FOUR! to the game thread. Then Andrelton pokes a single and it’s all like SIX! And at that point, I’m really not sure what to do next. This team, I have been told, by reasonable men, is not meant to make with “the scoring.” But hey! Baseball is funny sometimes.

Some degree of attribution probably should go to Mat Latos, who had a crappy spring and followed that up with a sequence of fat, hittable pitches that were in fact hit like fat red-headed kids(*) on the school playground. But somebody had to deliver those body blows, and lo and behold, those someones were your 2015 Who ‘Dat Atlanta Braves Replacement Players. Latos eventually exited after recording only two measly outs (one of which was a sac bunt by Alex Wood.) Brad Hand came in and bailed him out, pitching pretty well for 3+ innings himself.

Jace Peterson continues to make me happy. Neck Markakis continues to not be in traction due to spinal removal surgery this offseason. Christian Bethancourt actually looks like he belongs in a Major League lineup for a change, and even Dorn and The Reason got in on the offensive action. (We should also mention that while Eric Young, Jr is still not a particularly skillful or talented baseball player, it’s amazing how much better “replacement level” is when compared to Melvin Upton’s last two seasons.)

The only smudge on the evening for the Braves was the fact that Alex Wood struggled when given the big lead. He was wild and ineffective early, loading the bases with none out in the first. But he got Mike Morse to go fishing for a fastball off the outer edge (not contact hitting!) and then induced Martin Prado to bounce into a 5-4-3 double play to end the threat unscathed. But Wood wasn’t on all night, and he fought it hard for his five innings of work. Brandon Cunniff came in to preserve a 5 run cushion in the sixth and wasn’t terrible. Cody Martin came in and made short work of the sixth and seventh, before giving way to Juan Jaime and his absolute lack of knowledge as to where his 95+ MPH heat is actually going out of his hand. Fredi used the big cushion to break in three rookies, and got solid work from two of them. Jaime instilled little confidence, though.

All told, good night for the local boys. The team is two games into the season and hasn’t sucked yet, and for the record, your 2015 Atlanta Braves currently sit in sole possession of the NL East as of today. Mets are a half game back. Magic number is 160.

Shelby Miller gets his Braves debut tonight against Tom Koehler. General Miami baseball game times.

(*)I am neither justifying bullying or fat shaming our children. Or your children. As my children are dogs, and a geriatric cat who’ll cut you if you look at her wrong. Or gingers. Because that would be mean and wrong. But seriously, a little outside time probably wouldn’t hurt. And maybe gingers. I mean, c’mon! If you can’t punch a ginger, the terrorists have won…