While John Montefusco is the most famous Count to have played in MLB (though far from the only player of noble birth, viz. King Kelly and Felix Hernandez) there was another Count, Leo Tolstoy, who wrote a number of first-rate baseball-themed novels. In one of them, Anna Karenina, (spoiler alert: this is the one where the title heroine is run over by the train carrying the St. Louis Browns on a barnstorming tour through central Russia) he begins:
My respect for my readers here means I don’t have to provide the usual translation:
All happy families are alike, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.
If Braves Journal Nation is anything, it is a family. And I have some grim news: at the moment, we are a happy family. As pleasant as that might be, it is hell on earth for a website, which, for better or worse, thrives on the singularity which is any particular form of unhappiness. We are now 24 games into the season and I doubt even Sam Hutcheson or Coach or Chief Nocahoma or even IheartEmmaStone could find something to dislike about the construction or performance of the team. Even the things that aren’t going well are somehow understood to be the normal ebb and flow of baseball. No one thinks Olson sucks or that Riley has lost his eye – they just aren’t hitting.
So I’m making a request: whatever you do in the comments to this website, or in comments here generally, BE UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING. I’ve been racking what’s left of my brain to find something to be upset about. Folks, I’m stumped. Let’s find some unhappiness.
The Cleveland Guardians
I’ll lay down a marker here: there is no stupider nickname of any team in any sport. I can sorta get getting rid of Indians, though Braves fans are clearly on thin ice there. And Chief Wahoo definitely had to go. But naming your team after a few statues in town is ridiculous. Partly, of course, it’s Cleveland’s own fault that they aren’t really known for anything in particular. I spent a pleasant weekend in Cleveland about 35 years ago, but I don’t think that forms the basis for a nickname. There are other bad nicknames that are holdovers from former homes like Lakers and Jazz, but there is no real excuse for Guardians. How about the Grovers? It’s no worse than Buffalo Bills.
The Game
The good news is that I’m in Atlanta during baseball season for the first time in years. The bad news is that I’m attending my 50th high school reunion and I had no time to attend, or even watch, tonight’s game. (I could wax eloquent about the transformation of the Westminster campus, but that’s a little far afield.) But what happened is pretty simple: Chris Sale gave up a leadoff homer to Steven Kwan and then shut the Grovers down. Tyler Matzek gave up a run (which to be fair was Grybo’d by Minter) in the 9th to bookend the Cleveland scoring, and in the innings in between the Braves scored six times with contributions from the usual suspects, including the now ten-toed Ozzie Albies. The happy family had another happy game and is now 18-6. There is literally no reason, even allowing for injury, that this team can’t do this routinely. All happy teams are alike… and so are the recaps.
I’m so mad we lost six games. Sheesh! 🙂
How about the Cleveland Rock and Rollers. It doesn’t “roll” off the tongue easily but it is apropos. (“Browns” is not much better unless you happen to be Paul Brown) Or Cleveland Eries (that might have an eerie feeling to it – I know – bad pun)
Olson sucks on offense and defense!
RAJ with only one dinger?!! He is broken–his knee must need surgery!
Matzek is just a shell of the pitcher he was before surgery!
Fried has lost it–the only decent starts he’s made are against the Marlins! [alternative version: Fried is the only Ace the team has without Strider, and the Braves are too cheap to extend him!]
It’s only a matter of time until Sale gets hurt and Lopez reverts to his career norms!
There, JonathanF. Are you happy now?
By the way, you’re right that the unrelenting quality of this team can make for boring recaps. I know I have contributed to that phenomenon. But despite that, you’ve crafted another masterpiece! Bravo!
Nice try, tfloyd, but the problem is that you don’t believe any of that; no quantity of exclamation points turns Statement into Belief… at least not in this tiny little nook on the Internet.
You’re right; I don’t believe any of that. But assertions like that are common elsewhere. That assertions here are generally based on evidence and that they usually are not accompanied by exclamation marks is what sets this neighborhood apart from the vast majority of other such places on the internet. We may be tiny, but we have standards!!!!
Prince Fielder
Duke Snider
Earl Weaver
Marquis Grissom
Our old friend Jorge Hidalgo Campillo
The Baron of the bullpen Elroy Face
Rajah Hornsby
And of course the Sultan of Swat
Never leave out Irvin Wilhelm, who played in a time that earned him a nickname denied the more illustrious Hoyt some years later.
The Braves are 18-6, even with the following:
•Austin Riley: .710 OPS
•Matt Olson: .762 OPS
•Ronald Acuña Jr. .766 OPS
•Matzek with an 8.64 ERA
•Ozzie out for 10 games
•Strider on the shelf for the year.
•Sean Murphy out since Opening Day
That’s just nuts to me.
I’m sure Bravey would find some way to link Riley’s slump to his contract.
On team names, did Buffalo Bill Cody not have any actions or statements or opinions that would be offensive to the perpetually offended? Surely he said something about Native Americans that wouldn’t fly today.
Shhhh….
But you’re correct… How could I have left off Bravey? Where are all those guys when we really need them?
How about the Cleveland No Names, for when you’re in Cleveland “ you ain’t nobody and you ain’t nowhere.” No Names just kind of fits.
I like Olson, but he looks defeated and resigned at the plate and it’s affecting his field play.
All three amigos, Acura, Riley, and Olson are just watching called first strikes whiz past and getting behind on the count.
I’ll be everywhere — wherever you look. Whenever there’s a 2-game losing streak, I’ll be there. Whenever all 9 batters aren’t blazing hot at the same time, I’ll be there. Whenever a starting pitcher fails to last 5 innings, I’ll be there. And when that idiot Snitker brings in a reliever who gives up a run, I’ll be there too.
Boy, Matzek just hasn’t looked good at all this year. I mean, I guess he hasn’t really issued many walks, but he’s giving up tons of hard contact, has a whiff rate in the 5th percentile, and is running a 14.3% barrel rate.That’s brutal stuff.
Relievers are very volatile and can be good or bad at any given time, so I’m not writing him off just yet, but it’s been hard to watch. Hoping he can find it again.
Thanks, StephenW. That’s more of the real unhappiness that JonathanF is looking for! Your comment, unlike mine above, has the benefit of being accurate and sincere.
Do you know how much $ Cleveland could’ve made if they’d just went with the one thing their city is known for (RnR Hall of fame) and went with Cleveland Rocks as their name and this was the face of their jersey? What a partnership that would’ve been!
Screenshot
That makes sense. OTOH, associating the team with the RnR HOF would not be without controversy. I mean, this is an institution that is inducting Foreigner but not Warren Zevon. And as far as I know, Zevon never used PED’s.
As performance enhancers, heartbreak motor oil and Bombay gin have their pluses and minuses.