There have been some worthy wankers in our series, but IMO, Braves One Year Wanker, Melky Cabrera is the wankiest wanker whoever wanked. How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways ….

Braves One Year Wanker, Melky Cabrera: Trade

  1. In the 2009 offseason, we traded our best starter (who had just finished 4th in the Cy Young voting), for you. The trade was instantly panned. But in Wren’s defense, anytime you can trade the closest thing you have to a staff ace for “a switch-hitting Nate McLouth with less power” (hat tip to ububba), you just gotta do it.

Wanky Performances

2. You sucked even worse than we thought you could: .255/.317/.354, 83 OPS+, -0.3 WAR. And we only gave you 509 PA to prove it.

3. You did this.

4. And this.

5) In only one season, you managed to spawn your own Braves Journal category.

6) After we put you out of our misery, you were a proven cheater.

7) And you were not very good at it.

Despite your best efforts, 2010 had plenty of good memories. I hereby consign you to the dustbin of history. Good riddance.

Thanks for reading on the Ultimate Wanker, Melky Cabrera. Check out our entire series of Wankers and Wonders here.