Tonight baseball continues along its merry way without us. This time it’s Game 1 of the ALCS, apparently pitting the Kansas City Lorde Songs against the Baltimore Unintimidating And Thus Unintelligible Bird Mascots. (cf Thrashers, Atlantan or otherwise.*) A guy you’ve heard of because his first name rhymes with “Big Game” goes up against a guy that even the in-house propagandists at MLB can only describe as “calm, consistent.” Though, to their everlasting credit, they do follow that up with this bit of fire breathing promotion.

“Right-hander described as unflappable, very good at holding runners”

In addition to Chris Tillman, the Orioles will also feature stars like Kevin Gausman, Joe Saunders, and power hitting 1B/OF Steve Pearce. Apparently really boring white guy names is the new market inefficiency.

The Royals will counter this super-caucasoidal attack by continuing to clap louder and believe really hard.

All of which reminds me, perhaps explicably so, perhaps less than, of that one time David Tennant’s Doctor turned keys to the T.A.R.D.I.S. into perception filters. I mean, I know these teams are there, and it should be exciting and fun to watch franchises who haven’t been relevant since the 1980s take a turn on the big stage again. But every time I try to focus on them I end up back at Saturday Down South reading about Todd Gurley.

Anyway, any similarities you may notice between this guy:

And this guy?
MLB: Baltimore Orioles at Tampa Bay Rays

Purely coincidental I’m sure.

*I once went to a Thrashers game, before they migrated back to their natural home in the frozen wastes of central Canadiastan. The most shocking element of said game was when the home team scored and the two giant metal Brown Thrashers in the ceiling, who were not in fact brown nor small sparrows flitting about your porch-side shrubbery, unleashed a torrent for FIRE! At which point my wife and I had this brief exchange:

She: “Fire breathing thrashers!!!”
Me: “I didn’t know they could do that.”
She: “Evolution is awesome.”