It’s funny because he sucks. Sept. 21, Braves at PhilliesNow, by overwhelming popular demand, Dane Cook falling from a great height to almost certain death.
185 thoughts on “It’s funny because he sucks. Sept. 21, Braves at Phillies”
The comedian Anthony Jeselnik does a fantastic Dane Cook impression.
How can we be sure he is dead? I thought his career was, but no one poked it with a stick and it came back to life somehow.
But you said ALMOST certain death. I want it to be certain.
Shouldn’t we release Stu from his vow of eternal haiku?
‘Cause we ain’t catching the Phillies.
In fact, I think they’re going to enjoy smothering us to death.
DOOOOOOOMED, I tell ya.
@1, Not bad. I also appreciate this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8QVvgMro3D0
Not faulting Haikus
for not catching Fightin Phils
Put Blame on Melky
In one of Dane Cook’s most recent specials, he talked about the backlash he experienced after he peaked a few years ago and how all that coincided with his parents dying within a year of each other. He told a story about how some guy told him that his parents died to get away from his comedy.
I’m not a big fan of his by any means, but I definitely respected him for keeping at it in spite of a lot of negativity.
It reminds me of the story about Chris Reitsma when the guy drove by him while Reitsma was out with his little boy and yelled “you suck.”
Things like this make me tend toward misanthropy.
Biggest game so far,
Jason sure is a monster.
I didn’t see that…
Y’know what Dane Cook is?
He got better.
(Still not funny though.)
the most boring day ever, is, today
If any of you are into sports gambling, check out the odds on the Braves game tonight. I don’t usually bet on Braves games, but these odds are crazy. Braves are at +200. For comparison, Baltimore is +180 against the Red Sox.
We are bigger dogs to the Phillies than the Orioles are to the Red Sox. I love it when crazy stuff like this happens.
I’ve gotten through my period of hating Dane Cook. I wish him best of luck in his career, on television channels other than the ones I watch.
Who is worse at his “job” Dane Cook or Melky?
“Who is worse at his job: Melky or–”
Stop right there, it’s Melky.
melky is worse at everything, doesn’t matter the competition. Unless we’re talking about eating… I’m sure he’d find a way to screw that up too.
13- I just saw the Braves at +215. Honestly.
Mac, I’m sure you’ve seen worse things, but the one thing that absolutely infuriates me at libraries is when people break the little rests off the back of the keyboards so they have to lie flat.
/Completely arbitrary rant out of frustration while trying to type on a flat keyboard.
Is it just me or does it seem like Halladay is pitching almost every day?
Hopefully Melky takes on Joey Chesnutt next year for the Frankfurter eating championship on Independence Day. I like his chances.
Here’s a nice bet: Braves -1.5 runs for a payout of +385.
Yes, I’ve seen worse, and yes, it’s infuriating.
Craziest gambling odds I’ve seen in a long time is that somehow Ole Miss is favored over Fresno State. Looking at both teams, and how craptastic Ole Miss is, it makes absolutely no sense. And usually Vegas is on top of this stuff. But then again for some unknown reason they had Ole Miss as 13 point favorites last weekend. Which was just as stupid.
I wouldn’t be surprised if enough people put money on Fresno that the line moves by Saturday.
Mac, what’s the worst library depravity you’ve seen?
I really, really hope Nate McLouth rocks for the rest of the season and gets some ABs against left handers.
If he does we could carry tonights lineup plus Diaz, Glaus, Hinske, Conrad, Ross as the position players and have no Melky.
Seen in person or seen the results of?
The Mets suck.
That didn’t take long. Looks like the swing early and often gameplan they like to use on Halladay is in effect.
Six-pitch inning. This cannot be a good sign.
This game has a real
Playoff feel, with Chip sounding
Loud and annoying.
RobBroad4th – The end of that story involves that guy’s parents dying and Cook repeating the line right back to him about parents dying to get away from him. There’s no there there; he’s just as worthless as he seems.
That was…a really fast half inning.
I’m already upset. Infante leading off the game with a one-pitch at bat makes me think he is out of his league right now. What if we swapped him and Prado? What could it hurt?
Your best one yet. Keep going.
I’m not sure moving a struggling Infante to third would help. Move Heyward to third, Prado to leadoff, and Infante to second. Or just swap Prado and Heyward.
It’ll never happen though because it ruins the R-L-R-L thing Bobby has going 1-4.
So much for Minor owning the LHBs so far. Granted, I didn’t see what happened, but 2 consecutive singles isn’t good.
This is probably
Not going to end well. I
Would take a double…
These type of innings were what did for Beachy last night. Letting them turn the lineup over too many times dooms you to failure.
The defense did more
To lose the game for Beachy
Than lineup turno’er.
(Sorry. I’d have been a syllable over.)
The pattern tonight
Of two singles with two outs
In each Phils inning
Cannot be sustained.
Minor must be more careful
Or it gets ugly.
Is it me, or did Bobby miss a time–the right time–to call for a bunt?
You have got to be shitting me. Can someone please smack Bobby and/or Minor upside the head?
Oh, look, a single right after that. Genius!
Stupid. And, yet, I am forced
To bear him. Cruel.
Seems pretty obvious that Minor is the one who missed the sign.
Does Minor hit well or something? That seems like a no-brainer, but it is Bobby after all…
and infante hits and would’ve probably scored a run….terrible minor, just terrible
who cares if he missed a sign?
Its fundamental baseball, you don’t have a hit in your career, you bunt the guy over.
Minor’s IQ now worries me
Let me get this straight.
(1) Bobby calls for sacrifice bunts all the time. Sometimes, he even calls for Heyward and Prado to bunt.
(2) Minor has never gotten a hit on any level in professional baseball.
(3) Minor swings away at the first pitch with no outs and a man on first–and hits into an easy double play.
Do I have this right?
They saying Mikie
Missed a sign. Only makes sense.
Adam, I believe
It was on the second pitch.
But, the rest is right.
@49, Second pitch I think.
Now Minor is going to collapse, I fear.
You can really sense
Joe’s frustration with Minor.
I cannot blame him.
Their guys are catching foul balls; ours aren’t. Uh-oh.
How is that not a strike?
Jurrjens has a meniscus tear.
How is Minor’s velocity?
@56, that’s good, right? He’ll be back before the end of the year?
58- GameDay has all his fastballs between 89-92.
He might make his next start. Might not.
I’m really hating this tightrope thing during this series.
I miss Kawakami.
What a huge surprise.
If this team makes the playoffs, I support the concept of a three-man rotation.
Far too timid. 71 pitches for 7 outs.
Is there a difference
between Zack and Mike Minor,
Other than one start?
I think Minor may be suffering from Bruce Chen’s Disease. That’s when a minor league lefty doesn’t trust his stuff in the big leagues and won’t throw strikes, leading to innings like this one.
Maybe Martinez should get Minor’s starts from here on out. We’ll see how he does tonight.
I’m having flashbacks to Joey Devine.
Speaking of Bruce Chen, he just gave up back-to-black homers.
6 HR in 39 innings for Minor. No wonder he doesn’t trust his stuff.
Kawakami was overall better than this (and Beachy’s tightrope debut of flyballs).
I blame Minor’s college.
Great, a Prado.
EDIT: Oh, they charged him an error. So not exactly a Prado.
That’s BCD. Nibble, nibble, nibble, no choice but to throw down the middle, ball hit like it’s the face of Rob Dibble.
why is everyone blaming Bobby for Minor missing the bunt sign. Everyone in the dugout came over to talk to Mike about missing the sign.
lets face it boys, this team cant play with the Phils. Our SP is bad, our offense is bad, our bullpen is our strength but we cant get to them with a lead
Well done, Lisp.
Is Prado really healthy enough to be on the field?
Wonder what this team
Coulda been with a healthy
Medlen and Chipper.
Our starting pitching isn’t that bad. Not as good as the Phillies’, but it doesn’t help that our #5/6 starters have pitched the first 2 games.
#81, I really don’t think so. Certainly could do with sitting out Friday’s game to get 2 consecutive days of rest.
haikus have brought us
absolutely nothing but
a bunch of losses
lets move on from them
I demand… LIMERICKS!
We were fortunate to get out of that allowing just 3. I’m disgusted.
Feel free to page down.
Should be located to the
Right on your keyboard.
That wasn’t a good 3-1 pitch to hit, Joe, you clown.
There once was a Brave named Enos …
I’d like to point out that McCann is also apparently worn down.
There once was a southpaw from Vandy
Whose bonus demand was like candy
His poor arm was fine,
The Braves knew that he’d sign;
And the money they saved was just dandy.
Honestly, the whole
Freaking team looks worn down. I
Am fully depressed.
Maybe we can sign Werth to play LF next year.
#83 – I disagree, right now its bad
Hudson – 4GS – 5.33ERA 1.34WHIP
Jurrjens – 3GS – 6.32ERA 1.72WHIP
Minor – 3GS – 9.00ERA 1.57WHIP (before tonight)
Beachy – 1GS – 2.08ERA 1.62WHIP
Kawakami – 1GS – 13.50ERA 2.50WHIP
Lowe – 1.35ERA 0.95WHIP
Hanson – 2.77ERA 0.73WHIP
it and our offense is why we are about to be 9-11 in september
Our shit is so doomed.
There once was a Pirate named Nate
Who may have been cursed by fate
In Pittsburgh was decent
But as of more recent
His play inspires little but hate.
#94 – depends on if Boras really can get $100 mil for him. He’s not close to being that valuable. I was thinking Bay’s contract would be more like it, not Holliday’s
Werth hired Boras a couple days ago, which says that he wants to basically get the largest free agent contract of the offseason. He’s gonna get a massive payday, and we’re not gonna be able to hang in there at the end.
As bad as you think
Melky is, multiply that
By ten, and there’s Chip.
Resolved: if this game gets out of hand, Bobby should bring in Farnsworth late to throw at Victorino’s face.
95 — Small sample size, my friend. Let’s not over-react. Yes, the Phillies are better than us. But we still have the 2nd best record in the NL.
I just think the whole staff is wearing down, nothing more
I’ve had 3 meniscus tears, they hurt like hell. The upside is that it takes relatively minor arthroscopy to repair.
Is it possible that Christhian Martinez is actually good?
There once was a fat man in left
Who made all the Braves fans bereft.
He ate all the Cheetos, Doritos, and Fritos
and continued to add to the heft.
#100 – ten, HA, one hundred
#101 – like your idea
He’s certainly not as scared as Minor was.
1 run in 13 innings is ridiculous. No matter how bad Beachy and Minor were a little help would be appreciated
Great play from Utley to limit it to a double.
Valdez needs to be plunked in the face his next AB.
If nothing else this is a worthwhile exercise for the lineup in showing that Halladay is not omnipotent and you can work counts against him.
At least we won’t get shutout!
That wasn’t a strike.
@114 Yes it was. He had no business taking it.
Gotta give it to the bullpen. Again.
Wait. Nevermind. Gotta give it up to the defense. Again.
What a circus.
I knew we hated Farnsworth for some reason.
Hey, Mac, Bobby might let Farnsworth throw at Victorino now!
Fire Mike Minor.
Amazing how one errant throw is almost always followed by another.
Brian just missed that one, gotta get these two in here
NOW! RIGHT NOW!
Yeah, that would always happen in the coach-pitch league I coached in this summer.
LEE, thatll help
plus side: scored a runner from 3rd!
zero chance Brian can get to 3rd there. He was about by 10 feet
I think the Braves are trying to do too much, as they usually do in these kinds of games.
Here we are again
Runners on with no one out
Prepare to get fucked
One run is one more than we usually get in these situations.
All a matter of perspective. Phils announcers credit Victorino’s throw. No mention of our stupidity.
This team hates having baserunners. What stupid baseball.
does Mike Dunn get through this with his 0.00ERA?
136- Well, he keeps his “more than one walk per inning” stat intact.
Longest single in history.
Braves got lucky that ball didnt get a foot higher
More baserunners! Wheeeeee!
Blegggggggh this blooooooooooooows
Why in god’s name did he pitch him inside?
That was strike 3 for shit’s sake.
So much for that.
What a joke.
This team blows.
Halladay got that pitch. But I’m used to flexible umpiring now.
i’m having a real hard time watching the past few games. it’s seriously making me nauseous.
#143, the 4th one was outside according to Gameday.
@149, Oh well.
well, lets go ARIZ and LAD
that was a bomb
And Freddie Freeman says ‘Who the fuck is Roy Halladay?’
Atta boy, Fred!
Freeman might need to play more down the stretch.
you gotta love our guys swinging at pitches outside of the zone and then taking strike 3
@158, No shame being outdone by Halladay. He’s an actual ace unlike those AAA pitchers that shut us down in Pittsburgh.
McCann needs a nap.
thats just awful BMAC
Hey look, something went our way.
Kimbrel’s nasty. I like him.
Let’s go Braves…
good job Jhey
Screw you, Brian.
Fuck this team.
What was once one of
My favorite Braves teams is
Now one of my least.
I think Ross needs a few games, because McCann’s kinda stinking up the joint lately.
Well, he just missed a homer today, and he just missed a homer yesterday. You mean other than that?
Heyward getting on base is a real rally killer.
Like, everyone but
The bullpen has been stinking
Up the joint, lately.
McLouth can make up for everything right here.
Let’s not screw this one up for once, hmm?
171- Well, he did wipe himself out on the basepaths immediately afterward, ground into a double play, and committed a critical error yesterday. So, yeah.
Ankiel will tie it here.
Damn. I was hoping Folk Hero would get to do somthing folk-heroic.
Now, can we get a starter to not suck?
We were destined to lose these two games. No sense griping about it now.
Were we destined to be butchers in the field, make idiotic baserunning blunders and hit into a billion double plays?
@181, Yes. That’s what a slow team who can’t hit for power does.
If we get starters
Who don’t suck, that won’t help if
The hitters still do.
The defense has been putrid.
McCann trying to tag up from second and go to third was bush league garbage.