“Go to sleep little lizard”

Such a simple statement. Magic.

Before discussing the game, let me veer even further afield than usual into the realm of anatomy. While there are several differences between mammals and reptiles, one of the largest is that mammals have 4-chambers in their hearts while most reptiles have 3. This means that blood coming back to the heart from the lungs gets dumped into the same chamber as oxygen-poor blood coming back from extremities. Thus, in lizards, there is no real need for a distinction between arteries and veins, and the largest vein in the body carries both fresh and expired blood while running along the length of the spine. (Yes, of course this is important. Bear with me).

Now for the trick. As a grad student taking an ecology class I once found myself with the rest of the class in an unofficial campground in the red rocks of Northern Arizona. We had the place to ourselves, so we spread out and were relaxing after a long day of terrorizing field mice (really, it was science!) Then, THEY arrived and inserted themselves into our paradise. 

They came in 4 monster RVs which parked somewhat haphazardly amongst our vehicles. Then they emerged. By the way, after this experience I have fervently believed that the Grinch was right to hate Whoville.

There was actually only 1 family in the monster RVs, consisting of a somewhat henpicked looking chap and his four wives and … wait for it … 13 caterwauling whelps. They ran. They screamed. They took our firewood. Their mothers looked overjoyed at the thought that their spawn were bothering somebody else for a change. Something needed to be done.

I must confess that my flabber was as gasted as that of everyone else in our party, however, I got lucky when I spotted a chuckwalla – a fairly innocuous lizard – sitting atop a rock where he had been peacefully sunning himself before the sudden hullabaloo. He was about a foot long, weighed about 3 pounds and had algae stuck to his sides which made him look greenish. As he was also closely monitoring the threat posed by the children, he was perfect for the evil plan I concocted on the spot.

I swept him up, turned him upside down and pressed his head gently down while saying loudly to the other adults in my class (while pointedly ignoring the hellions), “Look, I found a chuckwalla!” 

Remember our anatomy lesson? If you bend a lizard’s head back it compresses that ventral vein and the animal responds by blacking out. I now held a limp lizard. More importantly, I had the children’s attention.

They wanted to see. No, they demanded to see. I played to the crowd.

“Don’t get too close! They can bite! Best let us professionals deal with this.” I waved the lizard about and pretended it was struggling. “Too dangerous!” I said.

That got them riled up. How dare I not share my lizard. Eventually I appeared to cave.

“OK! OK! I know a trick. A magic trick to keep it calm,” I said and this statement caused much excitement in the crowd. They demanded to know it too.

“So first I have to put it to sleep for you. Here’s the spell,” I said. And then I repeated the phrase, “Go to sleep little lizard” 3 times while running my index finger down its belly (and keeping its head bent down with the thumb of my other hand). I then relaxed my grip and let them see my prize.

They wanted to touch it. They wanted to take it. That lizard was God’s gift to them. The eldest boy – 10??) came forward and demanded I let him play with it. I told them again how dangerous it was and that at that moment only my magic was holding it back from attacking them. I may have repeated the word, “danger” a lot. They were getting strident now in their demands (their parents nowhere to be seen) and the boy wanted it NOW.

So I gave it to him knowing the first thing he would do would be to flip it back over – which allowed the head to unbend, which allowed the torpor to CEASE. 

The chuckwalla panicked immediately and began thrashing. The children began screaming. Chaos reigned. No less than 3 children would tell their parents they had been bitten (they don’t bite). But they stayed away from the crazy people with the lizard binding powers for the rest of the night.

Anyway, I suspect the Marlins feel the same way at the moment. They were handed a toothless, lethargic team on Monday which they could wallop to the tune of 12 to nothing — but then it woke up!

Tonight’s game would have been a premier pitching matchup 3 seasons ago but injuries have taken a lot from both guys since. Strider kept up his end of the bargain with great examples of all 3 of his secondaries and a fastball that was just good enough. 9 ks and 2 walks in 6.1 will do every time even if he did allow 2 homers. Sandy Alcantara was not so fortunate.

Ronald led off with an infield hit and Michael Harris obliterated another ball (110.5mph) with enough loft to get out. As hard as he hits the ball if he can just get a little bit more launch angle he could be MVP. Yaz would homer in the 2nd and Harris would cap off the night with another dinger. 13 more hits for the good guys, 9 more runs. What a fun team when they are awake.