Philadelphia, known as “The City of Brotherly Love” ever since Benjamin Franklin invented sarcasm in 1767, is the largest city in Pennsylvania and a suburb of New York. Philadelphia was founded by Quakers, who have to still be wondering what happened. The city was the site of the writing of the United States Constitution and the nation’s capital from 1790 to 1800. Pennsylvanians were hoping that the country would never get around to actually building Washington DC and the capital would remain in their state. Things in Philadelphia have consistently gone downhill since 1800.
Philadelphia’s sports teams are best known for their consistent record of bitter failure. The Philadelphia Eagles have never won a Super Bowl. The Philadelphia 76ers have not won an NBA title since 1982 and used to play in Syracuse. The Philadelphia Flyers have not won the Stanley Cup since 1974. Temple University football is coming off its first winning season since 1990. And while the Phillies won the World Series in 2008, it remains the case that they have lost more games than any professional sports franchise in history and their total of two World Series wins is tied for the lowest of any of the “original” sixteen teams. All of this has understandably left Philadelphia sports fans bitter, a bitterness they express by gaining weight and by booing basically everybody except for Philadelphia players who may have killed or maimed members of the opposition.
Philadelphia’s signature items of cuisine include “cheesesteak”, which makes up for its lack of steak-quality meat by being extremely cheesy. Entire elections have swung on proper cheesesteak etiquette. Another well-known Philadelphia delicacy is “scrapple”, defined by Wikipedia as “a mush of pork scraps and trimmings combined with cornmeal and flour, often buckwheat flour, and spices”. Yum, pork scraps and trimmings!
Philadelphia music is defined by the “Philly Sound”, which is the sound of musicians leaving Philadelphia for New York as quickly as they can. Famous Philadelphia music acts include the O’Jays and Hall & Oates, and I really like both and don’t have a joke here. Philadelphia was also the home of American Bandstand until Dick Clark left Philadelphia in 1964 in search of virgins whose blood could maintain his unholy lifeforce.