(Inspiration: How to nail down those free agents)

Anna Benson Takes On New York--and Free Agency
By Fake New York Sports Writer
December 2nd, 2004

NEW YORK, NY.--In one of the most surprising sports stories of the year, New York Mets starting pitcher Kris Benson's smoking hottie wife Anna Benson, who recently graced the cover of FHM, appeared on "The Howard Stern Show" and said that if she ever caught Kris cheating on her, she would sleep with the entire Mets roster.

Mets players everywhere celebrated like it was New Year's already.

The Yankees and even the new Jason Giambi steroids scandal has taken a back seat to the water coolers around Central Park & Wall Street. Everyone is talking about the Mets -- including the current and past players. And available free agents.

"I just won the World Series in Boston, but I would be willing to overlook no guaranteed 4th year from the Mets for a chance to sleep with Anna Benson," said a startled but excited Pedro Martinez. "Hey Anna, do you like chocolate or flowers more?"

Mets General Manager Omar Minaya had no idea what he was in store for after leaving the cash-poor Expos for the always spending, but never winning, New York Mets. But Minaya's job just got a whole lot easier.

"This is better then money. Anna Benson trumps Scott Boras! Finally! I have been getting calls from every free agent in Baseball: Beltran, Pedro, Richie Sexson, Jaret Wright, Carl Pavano--hell, even Roger Clemens wants back in New York for a shot with Anna Benson," said Boras who seemed like a ten year old on Christmas morning.

Meanwhile, besides the buzz among free agents about playing for the Mets, current players such as Tom Glavine, Cliff Floyd, Mike Piazza, & Jason Phillips have taken to the phones in order to call past women they have slept with in various cities to now sleep with Kris Benson--just for that one shot at his wife.

"There was this Hooter's Girl in Atlanta that I shared with Andruw & Chipper Jones named Bunny," started Glavine. "She was smoking hot--I bet I could get her to lock down Kris after a loss the next time we head down to Atlanta." Meanwhile, Mrs. Glavine was not thrilled upon the news that her husband was one of many Mets players working the phones for a shot at Anna.

"The divorce papers have wet ink, Tommy," said Louise Glavine.

However, it's not just the big time free agents who are giving the Mets a new look. Past players such as Darryl Strawberry and Dwight Gooden have asked back in New York and even recently fired Diamondbacks Manager, Wally Backman.

"Who the hell are the Diamondbacks anyway? I have always loved New York and I am happy to be a back up now, whatever the team needs," says Backman.

Even Bobby Valentine is contemplating quitting the Japanese team he now manages just to have back with the Mets.

"I promise no more funny glasses or crazy pitching decisions in the 7th inning if the Mets take me back--please, have you guys seen Anna?" said an ecstatic Valentine.

Among the new promotions being planned at Shea Stadium this year: Anna Benson bobblehead night, win a date with Anna Benson night, Anna Benson calendar night, challenge Kris Benson to a duel to the death night, and Hugh Hefner Playboy Bunny night where one lucky fan wins a chance to party at the Playboy mansion with Anna Benson, Ben Affleck and Erik Estrada.

Bud Selig even got in on the action declaring Opening Day this year, "Anna Benson Day".

"Whatever she wants...whatever she wants," said a 'dazed' Selig.

(I did not write this and deny all knowledge of its contents — Mac.)