It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a Canadian city in possession of a baseball team must be in want of a decent place to play.

However little known the feelings or views of such a city may be on its first entering a series, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding territories, that it is considered as the rightful property of some one or other of their daughters.

“My dear Mr. Loria,” said his lady to him one day, “have you heard that the Expos are let at last?”

Things I hate, in no particular order: the DH, money that is called “dollars” but that is not actual US dollars, Robbie Alomar, baseball played indoors, astroturf, Melky Cabrera, astroturf, baseball played indoors, Kent Hrbek*, interleague play, and the DH. It’s not that I hate Canada; I love me some British Columbia, Vancouver is fantastic, and truth be told Toronto’s like a cleaner, more polite Chicago on the funny speaking side of the Great Lakes. And poutine, despite how disgusting it sounds in theory, is actually quite tasty.

Now, before we go to far, let’s go ahead and stipulate that I am from Georgia, and have lived in Atlanta since moving to college from the southern swamps many a moon back. So while I don’t hate Canada, me and Canada will never be able to have a meaningful relationship, because the only thing I can honestly think to do with a hockey team is to ship it to some godforsaken minor burg in the middle of the Canadian prairies and hope it survives the winters. I really don’t understand hockey at all. People who watch hockey are weirdos and scare me a little.

But, in case I didn’t mention it already, I truly despise the DH, interleague play, and baseball played indoors. If you live in a climate that requires you to build a building around your friggin’ baseball field, go play hockey or something!

After last night’s game, I was wondering if the Blue Jays were doing something like the Twins* did in the Metrodome and playing with the HVAC system to create favorable wind currents when the home team was at bat. But it turns out, no, the Braves offense just decided to suck eggs last night, which is an unfortunate thing to do when the emaciated corpse of Tim Hudson is pitching. But at least they came to play today.

Things got off to a very nice start, as Jordan Schafer, playing CF and leading off for the much put-upon Lesser Upton, doubled out the gate. This continues a trend we like to call “Jordan Schafer Being Surprisingly Useful For A Change.” Then Andrelton Simmons singled to left. Brian Snikter failed to get a player thrown out at the plate in the first, and things were looking good. 2nd and 3rd, no outs. After Jason Heyward struck out swinging, begging the question of where Jose Constanza might be these days, Freddie Freeman drove them in with a single to right, taking second when Jose Bautista threw the ball to Winnipeg instead of the cut off man. Evan Gattis did the Heyward tango, and it looked like the Brandon Morrow would get out of it with only two crossing, but then Edwin Encarnacion botched a Brian McCann grounder and Freeman scored too. Dan Uggla improved on the Heyward only by making weak contact to 2B rather than K’ing. Still, up 3-0 before you take the field. You’ll take that.

Except then Paul Maholm decided to pitch like Tim Hudson, and after one it was 3-4 Jays. We will not recap how that happened, other than to say that Melky Cabrera was involved, so someone’s child was probably eaten alive.

But then in the top of the second Jordan Schafer Continued Being Surprisingly Useful For A Change and homered to tie it up.

Things calmed down for a bit, or at least as calm as things get in Rogers Center, which is like a boring, antiseptic Coors Field north of the border, only with a ton of drunk, rowdy Canadians in the cheap seats. Maholm was allowing base runners left and right, and Braves not named Jason Heyward would occasionally get hits too, but it stayed tied until Bautista slammed a shot to LF and sent Jays back ahead. That lasted an inning, which are officially measured by how often Jason Heyward makes sad, pathetic looking outs while everyone is complaining about BJ Upton or Gerald Laird instead, until Evan Gattis did that thing he does on the second and third time through the order and crushed one to left to tie it up. And then Brian McCann was totally like “I am SO TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT YOUR GURU SHIT, SON!” and jacked one out to right to take the lead.

But it’s the AL and the DH and Rogers Center and Canada and suck, suck, suck, suck, suck, so of course 5 runs isn’t enough to win it, and you knew that coming in. And while a LH reliever named Brett Cecil mowed through two innings worth of Braves, closing it out with four straight K’s (McCann, Uggla, and both Johnsons), Bautista and J.P. Arencibia** clustered a couple of doubles together and tied it back up in the seventh.

Then it got weird and no one scored again for two whole innings. Bud Selig called to say he was concerned about offense levels and was thinking about adding a second DH to bat 10th, just as an extra guy, in order to keep the kids interested. He then ate a baby himself, but not the same kind of baby Melky ate earlier.

Then in the top of 10, Brian McCann got out a Sharpie and wrote “Dear Yankees, I will look so amazingly good in your lineup next year, won’t I?” to put the Braves up 7-6. That set up the bottom of 10 for Craig Kimbrel to come in and do his thing, by which we mean “terrify you by giving up ropes to left with the tying run on second, but lucky enough to have Reed Johnson out there to chase them down this time.”

Oh well. It’s a win. And now we no longer have to play in Rogers Center again, and the Blue Jays have to figure out which of their defensively horrific sluggers won’t be in the lineup for the next two against the Braves, this time in Atlanta.

Because when you think of the Braves and their “natural interleague rivals,” you mind flashes immediately to Toronto. Eat another baby, Bud.

That was about it really. Gattis continues to crush balls. One of the fantasy baseball tweeter feeds the other day said he’s the only bench player in the game you have to start every day in fantasy, and that’s about right. Brian McCann was the awesome sauce. Jordan Schafer continues to be surprisingly useful. No Upton was harmed in the filming of this event. Jason Heyward looks terrible at the plate. And Brett Cecil is currently your odds on favorite to be the guy Atlanta trades for to fill that black hole left by O’Flaherty and Venters’s elbows.

* I am aware that technically Minnesota is not Canadian, but it’s close enough for me.
** J.P. Arencibia has become a really good player.